a lazy sunday

Well the heater started to work yesterday! YAY!

Sam and I baked and drank ... lol she had some sort of raspberry wine, and I had a grape smirnoff which was pretty darn tasty... like a grape soda didn't taste alcohol at all.

We made chocolate chip cookies and another round of peanut butter. We then make tacos for supper and breakfast burritos of the next weeks breakfast.

J and Bill played the 360, and we all watched a movie.

LOL sam and J got to give a couple of very muddy puppies a bath!

Bill caught me and Sam dancing in the kitchen.....lol it is funny...

A day that started out trying ended up being a great day. I have learned and know myself pretty well.. I could have EASILY let yesterday just totally stink... but I made the choice to be happy and have fun.... and I did.

I was wore out at bedtime lol and slept like the dead from 10 to 4 ... then got up a while... cleaned up the house watched an old movie and then went back to bed for ... 2.5 hours I LOVE the medicine and that sleep... so restful and deep...I truly feel better than I have in years.

I may work in the extra room today... it was not on my list of areas to clean as it is were all Bill's stuff is.... but it is a pigsty.

We had some ice and a lot of rain.... so the floor really needs to be mopped but I debate doing it over and over when it is still muddy outside.....

My shoulder is still knotted up... hopefully it will feel better in a while.

So I can't say I have tons planned today... but it is going to be a great day no matter what I decided to do...

I will put up a goofy picture of me.. I figure I owe Sam lol... look me as a blonde .... it later turned reddish brown... odd huh?

A test of patience....

I am glad once again that I have a couple of weeks of doing better behind me as today so far has been.... a challenge.

I was up from 3:30 to 4:30 this morning with a cramp in my shoulder muscle...the one that runs from the neck and across the back of the shoulder.. that was new and quite the experience let me tell you. I am having issues maintaining water in my body... I bought gatorade which I hate.. this morning and I will drink it to take care of my body.

I took the old truck into have it inspected and turned on the wipers to see them just fall apart... so I had to go get new ones. Since I didn't think ... and remember that this is the last sat of the month the line was long... but I am stubborn and waited it out even though it didn't have to be done today. My reward was that they had real heaters in there.. I don't mean these electric jobs I mean FLAMES... I roasted myself like was on a spit! SOMETHING GOOD!

I got home to realize that is was 60 degrees in my house... we are in the middle of a very cold snap. After resetting the breaker and all that good stuff it still didnt work. I thought perhaps it was the thermostat so I drove 25 miles to the local Home Depot to get a new one... came home wired it up and still doesnt work. I now know what is wrong with it and will be ordering it online.... Sadly today it is a high of 33 and a only have space heaters... I don't want to run off and leave the animals in the cold so I will tough it out here. I go have a kerosene heater that will heat pretty good .. but I need a wick and that is 18 miles away at the man mall.

I don't think I can stand another trip out in the cold and tonight will be in the teens. I have plenty of blankets and quilts and animals lol we will huddle.

So I am trying to stay focused today on the good... because it feel like I am being poked with a pitch fork.

The kids are on the way and we will hang out ...

misery

I have worked really hard the last two weeks to pull myself up out of the pit. I have worked on mental, emotional, physical and attitude. I have worked on focus, and outlook. I have made my way to a happy place.

I am glad that I am here because I have come up against my sister. My older sister. She has always been this way... but she has a way of dragging me down...

She is just so "put upon" ... the world is screwing her. She had the worst luck, according to her. She is a constant pity party. No one is as bad off as she is. She just sucks all the happiness and light out of the world around her...

You know it was just a message on facebook... but it just for a few minutes drug me back to the pit....

I recovered in a matter of minutes... I have never thought that world screwed me or anything like that but I was really sad for a while... I saw her in such a bright light... I felt sorry for her. Not so much because of how she viewed life... because she COULD change that. I felt sorry for her because she LIKES it that way, she doesn't want to change or to be happy. That makes me sad.

I always want to be a BETTER me. I want to be the best me I can be...

I don't know... just thinking I guess

My day

In the last week.... coming here and stating my plans and then coming back at night and posting the day has helped pull me up out of the hole I was in. I feel I am so much happier and more stable. I know it is a combo or several things. I am grateful for them all.

Today I went through the house and straightened up and mess and vacuumed, I am telling you I have vacuumed more in the last week than I have in the last 3 months! lol

I cooked today... it was nice. I made meatloaf, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, roasted asparagus and peach cobbler. I really have trouble eating meatloaf, so I ate the veggies. My son in law loves my meatloaf and seemed very happy that there were a few pieces left for him to make meatloaf sandwiches. I went all the left overs come with the kids... they will eat it and I won't. It was nice to cook in a clean and well organized kitchen! I loved it.

I bought a new comforter for the bed in my room... the cats seem to like it... lol I put the flannel sheets back on because it is about to turn cold again... ice on Friday. I will be stuck in the house.... and I admit I am a little worried how it will affect me... but I will keep looking for the good and happy things... and if I feel the need to I will post them here. Right now I am in a happy place and see so much good that I don't feel the need to post it.

I wanted to tell you about the asparagus... omg it was so good. My only experiences with it was canned or steamed (the bag you buy with sauce) and I loved those. I had never bought the fresh stuff. I didn't even know what to do with it. E from the room was talking about how she does hers... snap off the ends, wash them, blot dry and put in a gallon baggie. Pour in a little bit of olive oil, fine sea salt, and she did lemon pepper ... I didn't do the lemon pepper. Roll the asparagus around in the baggie until it is all coated... put in a baking dish and bake at 400 for 20 mins.... SO SO GOOD!

Sam and J brought over the sister to my puppy... they are so cute together... it was a herd of dogs.... 5 of them, 2 of them puppies.

My back is still really tender from the moving stuff and cleaning... I am bruised from head to toe as well. I think I need a day of rest. In fact I think that tomorrow I will go through the house and straighten up, then I have to go to town to get the licensed tags for the truck and pick of some meds.... but then I think I am going to be lazy. I think I earned that.

Ok that is an accounting of my day. I think that now I am on solid enough ground that maybe my posts will be most ... from my thoughts on things and less a list of the accomplishments. Thank you all for tossing me a rope to use to climb out with....

Sam.... LMAO

Wednesday's plan

Well the house is clean... cleaner than it has been in a while. I admit as I sit here, that I feel a little weird not having a list of things to clean.

The kids are coming for supper tonight and so I have that to work on. I am making meatloaf, bread, mashed potatoes, baked asparagus and corn. With peach cobbler. I need to run to the store too.

It is going to turn off cold and wet with possible ice on Friday... yuck not looking forward to that at all.

I am propped up in bed there is a kitty on the bed with me and one on the cedar chest... I love my cats... they are peaceful. I am thankful for them.

I will have to think of more things to keep me out of trouble! lol

Have a great day!

Sam and Winnie the Pooh!

How it went....

The house is CLEAN.... I have finished all I had planned to do in the house.

I did my car too...

I did my closet....

I did laundry..

I ate semi healthy today... and cleaning was truly exercise. My body is bruised and sore.

I did all the things that I do each day... hair, makeup, etc

I am out of stuff to clean. Now I am not sure what to do. All week long I had a plan.

So now what?

I guess it is time to get on the exercise and get that into my day. I am going to go back to the first post and look at my list of goals and take stock.

I also am going to work out a weekly schedule to clean what when... that way I get up with something planned to do. I realized that I need that in my life.

Today was a great day! I am happy and content. Lots of smiles and thankfulness now. I feel that I don't need to list them anymore. Contentment is a gift from God.

I will go to bed tonight proud of myself and my accomplishments this week.

Like my little Brownie?

Tuesdays plan of attack

It is 5:17 am and I have been up since 4. I woke up rested and ready to get up. It doesn't appear to be insomnia based, I think I am just rested for the first time in ages.

I have already cleaned out the living room end tables, cleaned all the ceiling fans, cleaned out all the litter boxes and cleaned out the dishwasher.

The dishwasher is GREAT by the way it has a 4 hour delay so I load it at night and it runs on its own while I sleep!

So what to do today?

I am going to clean the master bath, wash (hand) the new delicate underthings I have bought lately, finish my closet.

I am have to go to the store for some groceries.

I am going to set up a cleaning schedule .... things that I need to do each day, and I will clean one room a day in addition to the normal daily things.

"I will get up, get dressed up and show up."

My back is quite painful so I doubt that there will be any exercise other than the cleaning.... but with the way I feel ... I am getting PLENTY of exercise lol

I will look for something to make me smile... you know this one is so easy now!

I will look for something to be thankful for... again SO easy now.

It has been a week since I grabbed hold of my life and took control and I am so glad I did and the things that were so hard at the beginning are easier.

I find that I just feel better about me now, and I know that making myself good presentable every day is huge part of that.

I had never really been one to plan to clean and set it in a blog for the day... but you know what this is helping me so much. I like coming back at night and saying what I accomplished. It holds me accountable. If I get up and KNOW what I am going to do today, it makes it harder to sit on my rear end all day.

I was going to weigh myself this morning for kicks... I am not hungry and I am an active tornado. My jeans are getting lose. The battery was dead in the scale... perhaps that is a good thing....

What are YOU doing today?

Wasn't sam cute?! Kindergarten stick horse rodeo... love you sambo

Monday night....

Well time to take stock of the day....

I cleaned and rearranged the bedroom... omg the bed is heavy... my back is whining a bit now. I scrubbed and vacuumed top to bottom.

I cleaned out my car and ran it through the car wash ... sadly it didn't do a very good job so I will do it again the next pretty day.

I intend to bathe the puppy before bed too...

Tshirts that sam and I ordered came in ... they say... kthxbai... lol from I can haz cheezburger. We are excited. Make me smile...

I bought a couple of fun songs that I like so that was a good thing.

I copped out and had stouffers lasagna for supper.. not that healthy but tasty non the less lol

I worked really really hard today... I am tired... but there is a contentedness that comes from that and it makes me happy.

Yep that is sam and her dad... lol

Value and the plan....

This kinda ties in with the what others think of you isn't your business... that is still ricocheting in my brain.

Why do we let others determine our SELF value? I have let this happen. We determine what we are worth from how others treat us. If someone doesn't treat us with respect then we spend time wondering... why? If someone doesn't love us we start to wonder if we are unlovable. If someone just plain doesn't like us then we wonder if we have a character flaw.

Now there is a saying that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you and that is true.. but only after you are sure of your own self worth.

We need to stop this, and to know that while none of us are perfect .... having someone approve of us isn't that important.

Love yourself .... God does. He is the only one that you need approve from.

LOL reminds me of a saying... I me and I'm good cause God don't make no junk! ... something to ponder today....

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I was right about the Tanna and the leg cramps. Yesterday I had to declog the vacuum and I stirred up a lot of dust. I had my allergies in an uproar and I knew that I hadn't had a Tanna in several days so I took one at bedtime... sure enough I was up walking off leg cramps... AND I was half asleep... lol not a good combo. From now on I will just take a plain old benadryl for allergies thankyouverymuch!

I confess I ate junk yesterday while the games were on... I did eat raw veggies and dip. I also ate a bit of pizza, a couple of wings and some girl scout cookies... I can tell by how I feel this morning. This is the proof that I needed, that I was on the right track with the good food.

I did work hard yesterday morning...

I did veg out in warm ups all day... but I did do my hair! lol

I had a lot of laughs while watching the game ... and I have some cigars to buy lol

It was a good day!

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Ok today's game plan

DRINK WATER to get rid of the cramps and rehydrate myself... and throw out the Tanna... this also means I get to eat something salty woohooo lol

I am going to clean ( wow I typed kill... hmmm analysis anyone? lol) my bedroom... maybe rearrange it IF I am srong enough to move the headboard. This room is a big job, drawer to go through and all that ... so that is all the cleaning I had planned I expect it will take up a good deal of the day. I need to do something with my clothes... they are everywhere and I have a LOT of them... and shoes too lol

I will "get up", "get dressed up", and "show up" (hair makeup and clothes! lol)

I will eat healthy and consider the bedroom my exercise....

I will cook something wonderful for supper....

I have a list of small things that need to be done, so I will work on that list too.

I will love and be nice to me, "I" will set my own value.

I will give thanks for the day... and smile and focus on the good stuff!

What's on tap for you today?

Today's picture is of Sam on a trip to Mexico... she had her hair cornrolled for the week and had just taken it down before we went home.... cracks me up. I love you pumpkin princess!

Press on

This is a song called Press On... by Billy Spague and those that know me will know how this song related to me...

I was down in the valley

Of the shadow of death

Where the passion for life

Drained like blood from my chest

And it took more than my will just to

Take a step

When the compass of hope

Was gone



In a silence so black

That I wished for the blues

Every desperate prayer

Seemed like Heaven refused

And some days I found faith meant just

Tyin' my shoes

And it was

All I could do

To press on



Press on me amigo

Press on mon ami

Walk on in the face

Of the mystery

Though the night hides the light

Through the darkness still dawn...

Tie your shoes, my dear friend

And press on



(Walk on)



On the ocean so lonesome I was not left on

Had some heavenly friends

When my heart was a stone

And they carried my heartache and

Made it their own

When the current of sorrow

Was strong

(and one said)

"I pray your memories will not drag you down

Not be anchors but treasures

Of the love that you've found"

And His kind words turned hurt into comfort somehow

And the wind in my sails

To press on



So press on me amigo

Press on mon ami

Walk on in the face

Of the mystery

Though the night hides the light

And the journey is long...

Lean on me, my dear friend

And press on



Though the days seem like years...

There may be giants in our fears...

Ah, but they who are sowin' tears

They shall reap in joy

They shall run and leap for joy!



So press on me amigo

Press on mon ami

Walk on in the face

Of the mystery...



(...)



Though the night hides the light

And the journey is long...

Lean on me, my dear friend

And press on me amigo

Press on mon ami

Walk on in the face

Of the mystery

Though the night hides the light

And the journey is long...

Tie your shoes, my dear friend

And press on!

Sunday game plan

Well at 7:30 I sat down at the computer.

I got up at 5 after sleeping like a rock, I can't tell you how much I am LOVING that sleep. It just makes LIFE better. Things are so much easier to deal with... the urge to stab people is ALMOST gone lol!

So what have I been doing this morning... well

I cleaned the entry way.... which contains a cabinet, a curio cabinet, a bookcase and the birds! Top to floor.... cleaned even the bird cage!

I turned what was the sewing room into a sitting room and scrubbed it down ... it has an entertainment type bookcase so I wiped down all the knick knacks and straightened them up... I moved all the furniture around and moved the sewing stuff to a spare room which will become the sewing/craft room eventually. Not sure if you can tell ... but sitting down and being still for long enough to sew isnt going to happen right now.

I cleaned the laundry room... top to floor, there are shelves and a counter in there and a sink along with the washer and dryer... wiped everything down and put stuff in the cabinets above the washer and dryer.

The rest of the day you ask? Well I will tell you....

I got a new scanner yesterday and I will spend some time scanning photos today, then I will maybe go get some wings to eat while the games are on.

I have a "date" to watch the games with yoda today... lol we have a bet... he thought of the rules and stakes... why do I think I am in trouble? lol Something tells me he is going to be getting his cigars next week.... lol

I am giving myself the permission to veg out in sweats today... I have already worked hard today.

I am still craving water.... I am on my 4th big glass already this morning.

hmmm ok I think that is it for now... Already this is a GREAT day!

The picture makes me smile... that is my daddy when he was younger and was james cool!

Something that made me think...

Sheila sent me an email the yesterday about making 2010 a good year. I had already started many of them on my own, as a way to get to a more positive place.

There was one in there that slapped me across the face and I have been processing it since. It is really very simple I just never thought of it before.

That people think of you is none of your business.

Not only is it true.... but it is so liberating.

I sent a lot of time worried about what people thought of me. It generally made me unhappy, because I always felt like I needed to change me in order for them to like me.

Well what they think of me is not any of my business.

I am minding my own business and taking care of me and what others think of me is THEIR business.

Thank you Sheila so much for this... it is freeing. I love ya to bits girl!

The pic is of sam lmao I LOVE that picture!

My Saturday...

Lets see...

I slept til 9:30... I can not tell you just how wonderful this sleep is, so deep and restful!

Did the real clothes and makeup thing... got to love myself!

Then I went out to lunch and bought a new scanner/printer. I love that! Been scanning all kinds of fun stuff... I will be sharing some of that.

Cleaned the living room ... rearranged furniture and all that good stuff... and cleaned the bathroom too!

Had a healthy supper, but not much of it... just not hungry....

Then I got in my footies.... cause it is a bit chilly...

I had lots to smile about today.... the emails from sheila crack me up .... always.

Going through old pictures

The salesman at walmart was from New York and was hilarious

The goat across the road had twins kids!

It was a GREAT day!!!

Yep that is me

The day...

I got up at 5:30 fully rested!WOOT

I spent 4 hours cleaning my kitchen and dining room. I cleaned out every cabinet, every drawer, ever counter, every appliance inside and out. Everything is rearranged and organized. The floors got swept and mopped. I cleaned out the big buffet in the dining room. It is spotless! I love it... but it did wear me out ... I tossed out a lot of stuff and just decluttered.

I then got cleaned up ... nice clothes, cut underthings, makeup and hair

Went to walmart and it wasnt so bad lol I ended up walking around the store for about 45 mins so I count that as my walk today.

I had a nice arbys club for lunch and leftover turkey, corn and sliced tomatoes. Yogurt for dessert. I am not hungry much the last couple of days... maybe the meds not sure yet... but I am eating anyway.

I spent the afternoon goofing off.... cut my nails and gave myself a manicure. Playing games on the computer....

I dont know if I will clean over the weekend but I will do the rest ....

Confession....

I have recently started a love affair.

I want to look nice... I want to smell nice... I want to have soft touchable skin.

I take bubble baths, do my hair, do my makeup, wear cute underwear, wear perfume, and even jewelry.

I take time to put on lotion, and I take care to pick out nice clothes that I look good in.

So who am I having this love affair with ..... me.

I realized this morning when I was putting on some mascara that if someone were watching me the last few days that they would think I was starting a new relationship ... I laughed a little... then I realized that I have!

I think that we go to the trouble for someone else... why not for ourselves? Who is more important?

Start a new love affair with yourself..

Wrong turns...

During the cleaning last night I was thinking... lol yep it is back ... but GOOD thinking not wallowing thinking.

I mentioned that I took a wrong turn, well wrong exit really but turn sounds better. lol Anyway I was a little anxious for a few minutes because I was headed down into downtown Ft Worth... all skyscrapers and one way streets. I am only a LITTLE familiar with the area. I knew tho that if I stayed going north I would eventually end up close to home! So in the middle of the city I found a one way street and headed north and before I knew it I was back in the Stockyards... not only do I LOVE the stockyards but I knew how to get home from there! LOL

So this made me think about many times in my life when I took a wrong turn and ended up in a place I love.

First I got pregnant at 17 ... looking for love... story for another time. I got Sam and Bill in my life. 24 years later I still have them in my life and it was one of the BEST wrong turns I ever took! I ended up in a place I love!

Second applies to now. I took a wrong turn and got lost in wallowing in the past and a combo of medicine issues... I didn't realize I was lost for a while. I was so lost... I got the right meds... I got some sleep and I am loving the place I am in right now.... LOVE IT.

How many times in our lives do we panic and fret when we do the wrong thing only to learn in time it was one of the best things that ever happened to us?

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The difference in my ability to deal with life is like day and night. I got up yesterday feeling great! Sleep is at least partly to ... cant say blame... lol but you know. The sleep was amazing! Made me sassy ... yesterday was so great.

I slept again last night and I am happy, peaceful and ready to tackle the world already this morning. I have been up about 45 mins and I have already taken the dogs out, fed all the pets, hung up/ folded up and put away 3 loads of laundry and am doing my computer stuff. I feel so good. I can't even tell you. The meds haven't even had time to fully start to work yet! Is this what normal people feel like?

I have take antidepressants for 16 years and always felt ... draggy and in a fog I honestly haven't felt this good in YEARS....

I know that it is a combo of lots of things... a positive outlook, rest, better food, the meds and a purpose!

So far there is only one side effect.... I am craving water! LOL great side effect. It causes a little bit of a dry mouth. I am a tea drinker but the tea doesn't seem to help as much as water. I want water... so I am happy. They said that there is a "hangover" in the morning where you are groggy... and I had that yesterday... or maybe I was just still tired BUT I am alert and raring to go today no hangover.

Watch out because I am hurricane Gina lol in a good way!
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Ok plan for the day... world domination. KIDDING!

I am going to work in my kitchen, the bottom cabinets are terrible! Small appliances all over and dishes I don't use that sort of thing. I am going to clean that and rearrange them. The tupperware cabinet ... well open THAT with care... I will match the bowls and lids. I will sweep and mop the floors.

If I am still in a cleaning mood after that I will start cleaning out and organizing the buffet thing in the dining room and clean the dining room.

That is all I am planning as to the house... but heck who know what I will get done lol

I will hop on the treadmill or walk outside today... it is going to be 74!

Oh yesterday I ate 2 meals and no snacks... which is weird for me I WAS eating kinda all day ... which is WHY the girls were looking better... I wasn't wanting to eat all day I wasn't eating to try to cope so that is good. I will have to watch this because the increase in activity and the not wanting to eat can go bad for me in a hurry. I may get an increase in appetite or not too early to tell ... but I will watch it. LOL figures that as soon as I decide I LIKE the weight I am at I start to move and not eat!

I will get out of the house today... no idea yet what I will do... but something fun.

I will get dressed in something decent to leave the house in! lol

Who knows what else I will do today! but you know what I am really really sure it will be good!

You know what else God is good! All the time... even when we ignore Him. He is still there.... waiting...

Ok taking another look at the senator then I am getting on with the day lol

turns out....

I wasn't done... I also cleaned out this cabinet... it had sewing stuff in it and moved it and turned it into a pantry!

Yes that is a can of spaghettios and no you can't have it!

I am also on the 3rd load of laundry and I decluttered around my chair and puter!

Stripped the bed and remade it and am washing the sheets I took of next....

I figure at this rate I will be at Sheila's next week to clean her house and Hazy's the week after! LOL

WOW

I feel to much better today and I had such an amazing day!

First I slept like the dead... lol I went to sleep about 11 and got up at 5:30 and then went back to bed at 7 and slept again til 10:30 .... good deep restful sleep.

I feel so sassy and happy... I am sure it is a combo of the new medicine and the sleep.

I got up and got cleaned up.... my jeans were no longer tight! YAY (no sweats!) I found a shirt in my closet that still had the tags on (score!) and I even put on makeup!

I drove to Arlington and had Lung (lunch) with Sam at a Mexican food place AND I resisted eating something drowning in cheese... I ate lots of shrimp! SO GOOD and healthier... we won't talk about that piece of margarita pie we shared! lol

On the way home I took a wrong turn and ended up in the Stockyards in downtown Ft. Worth! I love that area .... it was great.

I decided I needed to shop.... I went to Catos ... my favorite place. Now I have been wearing sports bras for 3 years because well the weight loss let my boobs.. hmm deflated and the way the tuck was done I have a Y under them. Wearing regular bras was not possible... HONESTY ahead! LOL Sadly my boobs just kinda pooled in the cups, and the Y would pucker. So I told you I had gained a few pounds... but that I was still in my same clothes? Well the extra fat went to the girls!!!!!! I tried on some cute bra and pantie sets and the girls look good! I have decided that I like that and am not going to try to lose any weight... lol I am embracing my weight and curves.... I have ruffly and sexy under things! I am so excited! lol

I also found a pair of jeans that fit...YAY that is rare... I found out I stand a much better chance with the CLASSIC fit at catos. I also bought 3 shirts and a sassy red wallet that is like a small purse! It was good ... usually clothes shopping is not great for me! Maybe it was my outlook?

Got home and go the dishwasher in and done... and it doesnt leak! Going to run the first load in a few minutes.

I got the mess from that cleaned up, vacuumed and got the laundry going.

I cooked a healthy dinner, smoked turkey breast, mashed potatoes (light on the butter) corn on the cob (no butter) and sliced tomatoes! YUMM

I will probably declutter around my chair and computer tonight as well.

I just had such a great day... it was sunny and warm and I was out of the house.

I am proud of me today!

I think you can see all the things that made me happy and made me smile without me listing them here! lol

I am moving to Mass....

This is the newly elected senator from Mass. He now has Ted Kennedy's seat. I am going to move to Mass... cause this... definitely makes me smile! LOL add THAT to the list!

Oh yeah his name is Scott Brown I think.... yum!

Plan for Thurs

Well I slept.... YAY! like the dead. In fact I am still pretty sleepy, might take a nap today....lol heck I might go back to bed in a few minutes...

Seriously one of the things I need to work on is getting my body rested, because that makes everything a little easier to work on.

It is earlier yet, but I feel better than yesterday and that is a good thing.

The dr said this new medicine will make me feel a bit draggy for a few days then get better so I am going to give myself a break for a few days if I am in tired. One of my faults is that I am too hard on myself about many things.

I was tired last night when I did my good things list and forgot one..lol

Since the jaw issue I lost 5 pounds! lol now weight isn't a big issue... I COULD stand to lose 10 or so.. the 5 that I lost lifted my spirits a little. I don't really weigh, I go by my clothes, as long as my clothes fit I am happy. I am in the same clothes as 2 years ago, but at a time when you are looking for good things.... 5 pounds lost is a good thing.

I know that the blogs right now are not that interesting... I am trying to pick up the threads that start braiding again in a healthy way... hang in there.

So today....
LOL get the dishwasher finished...
Clean up the MESS from the said dishwasher install

Declutter the living room.... toss out old magazines, straighten up .... that sort of thing
vacuum
I am not going to list a lot of cleaning today because I need to feel accomplishment and not failure on this.
I want to note that my house is NOT a total disaster! LOL it is regular cleaning but my goal is to toss out stuff that needs to go instead of letting it pile up.

And of course work on the list of goals from the first blog.
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It is very surreal to know that you aren't RIGHT, that you aren't seeing things as you should, not responding as you should, and knowing WHY, but not being able to stop it. I don't know if that makes sense.

I know that I shouldn't be crying all the time, I know that isn't right, yet I can't stop it.

I know that I shouldn't be sad, yet I can't just get happy

I know that I shouldn't see the world so darkly, yet I do.

I know that these are not my normal behaviors and it is frustrating as hell to know that and know why and not have control of it.

I will admit something here that I don't to many ... I am not suicidal so don't think that. When this happens and my life just gets so effed up every couple of years or so I think to myself .... this sucks so bad, is it worth it. It is exhausting, it is dehumanizing, I feel so hopeless and helpless and it is like having to start over from scratch every few years because a medicine stops working. It gets old.

Having said that... I also know that that comes from the same place as knowing it isnt right.... but not being able to change it. The good thing about that is that I also know that hopefully in a few days when I feel like myself I will not feel that way any more. I know it is a matter of time.

I am usually a fairly happy and productive person... and I will be again soon.

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Oh yeah the leg cramps... when I had the jaw issue... I also had fluid in my ear... the dr gave me tanna.... a decongestant/antihistamine to dry up the fluid. That worked well, the fluid is gone, he told me to stay on it for allergy purposes ... 2 times a day. It is very drying and I think with the bypass dosing is a guessing game.

I am pretty sure that I was getting too much drying, and it was causing the dehydration that lead to the cramps. I cut it back to one... and drank gatorade and water yesterday and there were no leg cramps last night.... lol or maybe I slept through them!

So what are your plans for the day? lol I will read them after my naps....

Oh boy

Well the day I had planned didn't really pan out like I wanted.

I went back to sleep and when I woke up I couldn't seem to stop crying....

I have battled clinical depression for 16 years. It isn't the I feel kinda sad thing it is a full blown chemical imbalance in my brain. I take medicine for it and have for years. The thing about it is that these medicines stop working or work less over time... after taking stock I realized that the medicine I was on just wasn't cutting it.

I got a new medicine today to take along with the one I am on. This is the hmmm... 5th drug I have tried in the last 6 months. The last one caused the insomnia from hell, and I had to stop taking it. I have a new one that is older and the side effect is SLEEPINESS... I can only hope lol.

So that is PART of the reason I have been struggling with my life and myself. I don't for one minute think that is the only reason.

Fact is that it is easier to wallow in the mud than to get up and go clean up. Even discounting the medicine issue I have been wallowing. I knew that before the trip to the doctor today.

You dig yourself a hole and you have to get out... medicine isnt going to fix the hole... I have been a player in THAT game for too long. So this blog is my digging out. Will the medicine help? I hope so! lol but it will only help me be able to deal.. not do the dealing if that makes sense.

Ok I tell you all that because it is a part of my climb out of this hole.

Now the day was not all fun regardless of the trip to the dr for meds! YIPPEE!! LOL

Seriously it was a kind of rough day. BUT I am going to list the things that made me happy and things I am thankful for.

I am thankful for each one of you... now this might seem like a cope out.... BUT I want to tell you why... Meanie the email about the gas and the ipod made me snort ... I NEEDED THAT so thank you! Hazy your blog about your boys made me smile.. and tear up a little bit. Sam you always make me happy, thank you for letting me vent.

I am thankful for Yoda.... bodies.. he is a special man and a wonderful friend...lol bless his heart I can't run him off ... he understands what friends are and he showed me today.

Good things!
I have a new dishwasher that is PARTLY installed! LOL YEP looking at the good part not the NOT FULLY installed !! YAY ME

I heard my favorite song on the radio today just after the dr and I sang and smiled.. my heart was happy.

The puppy daisy.... lol I typed ditzy for some reason... might be her new name! She went potty outside today no accidents in the house!

I wore my kiss concert shirt and that makes my happy.

It was a hard day.... so this may seem small... but it was a day when I really had to look....

I had hoped to clean today but I ended up taking care of me which it more important but on my list of goals...

I did NOT wear sweats today! AGAIN yay me!

I got out of the house today .... besides going to the doctor AND no one was maimed! GO ME

I am going to count that damn dishwasher as exercise! LOL

I thank each of you for reading... I know that these so far arent that much as to substance... but it will get there...baby steps....

The plan

I have had leg cramps all night, to the point of no sleep. I am dehydrated. I am having the falling blood pressure upon standing and the leg cramps, my skin is super dry. I am a tea drinker... almost exclusively... it is a diuretic, I had just lost too much water. It is easily fixed... I have been drinking gatorade and will get to enjoy something good and salty today. I have mixed up some crystal light orange and that will take the place of tea today. At first I assumed it was low potassium, I fight to keep it up.... so I have loaded up on bananas but they didnt phase them. I am also going to get some quinine today... lol did you know that that helps with cramps? Yep it does.

I want to say thank you to Samantha for making my blog look happy! I love the theme.

I have felt happier in the last two days than I have in a while. I want to stay here. I want to still deal with things that need to be dealt with BUT to do it in the knowledge that the sun is out and that happiness is here.

I bought a new dishwasher last night, the timer went out a couple of months ago and I have just been hand washing but I am tired of that! lol so later Bill and I will try to put it in. That brand .. the old one SUCKS that is the second one that did that with the timer.. they were both GE. I bought a frigidare this time.

I have to tell you that lack of sleep DOES play into my outlook on life... I think that is fairly normal. So since I am taking this time to work on me I will rest and sleep when I need to and not push myself to do too much.

Having said that this is my plan for the day... as much as I am able to do

I have to go to the store... the cats are crying lol please mommy we are sooo hungry! also some various cleaning supplies

I plan to start the cleaning process today .... I am really bad about the all or nothing way of thinking... I am not going to do that. I am going to do as much as I feel that I can. I usually start in the master bath and work my way to the other end of the house. This time I am going to start in the kitchen. This isnt the normal weekly cleaning ... this is a get rid of stuff and get it together kind of cleaning. That means cabinets and that sort of thing. I don't know what I will get done, it may one be one cabinet, but that is still one cabinet. I will update that later tonight. I also think while I clean... lol so who knows what I will have to say tonight.

I will look for something good and wonderful in the world and around me. I will look for something that makes me smile and makes me happy. I will update that tonight too.

I may have multiple blogs a day for a while, as I try to correct the direction of my life. I want to record things, and to hold myself accountable to the things I need to do. So if it is too much to read I understand!

They may also be a little bit ... more shallow for a while. Again I need to establish a good, happy sunny place before I go back into the dark. I will still share any lessons that daily life teaches me.

So that is the plan for the day.... what is yours?

I saw...

a daddy with two little kids a bit ago. There was a big pile of dirt and he had stopped and parked in a parking lot and let the to kids play in the dirt....

I want to have that joy... in something simple... without worrying about getting dirty, or ruining my clothes or all the other negative things I can thing of.

It made me smile

Taking stock

If you are reading this you are one of 4 people that I invited here. If you are reading this I trust you. If you are reading this then you have been supportive, loving, accepting and loyal. You have indicated that you get something out of my blogs or that you think it is good for me.

For some reason blogs draw drama, and I really tried to keep it away last time and I didn't succeed. There was backstabbing, tattling.. blah blah blah. I am sick to the teeth of that.

I am starting the new blog because I need a new direction. I learned somethings in the last week. I learned that I do need more balance in my life. I learned that I am still hopeful and that the sun is still in the sky. I learned that there are people that will be critical no matter what you do.

So I invited the positive people to come here with me to climb this mountain.

I intend to pick up on the last blog... the one about seeing good... moving more, eating healthier. I want you all to be a part of that.

I want to add new things to my life. I will be honest it is winter and cold and my life has shrunk down to not much and that is a dark place for me. So I am making changes. This should give me some balance.

I will not promise you that there will not be angry, sad or upset blogs... in fact I can pretty much promise you there will be. I can also promise I will prolly over think things and self analyze too much on occasion and if that isnt ok with you then I made a mistake in inviting you here.

I promise that every single day I will post one thing here. Something that made me smile, made me laugh, or taught me something. Something GOOD, something POSITIVE.

I have made a few plans that are short term that will make things better for me.

1. I am cutting out the crap I eat. Plain and simple. NO MORE EMOTIONAL EATING!

2. I am going to start to walk again I have a treadmill in my living room. These is a 5k in may I intend to walk/run it. I did it 3 years ago...going to do it again.

3. I am going to totally clean our my house. Toss the the stuff I don't use... it feels like it is sucking me in.

4. I will leave the house EVERY DAY .... doesn't have to be anything special but I will get out.

5. I will SLOW DOWN... then maybe I won't want to kill everyone! lol

6. I will find a place to volunteer... even if it means that I have to go through a pain in the ass screening.

7. It is cold, I like to be warm. I am tempted to stay in sweats all the time... I will now only wear sweats when I am exercising or at night after the bath and before bed. It will no longer be my daily wear.

8. I will put on makeup... yep even if no one will see it... I will see it. I need to feel worth the time to do it.

9. I will be around people more in some way... I need to build up a tolerance! LOL

10. I will do the things that interest me... instead of waiting for others to do it with me.

So this is the plan for the next few months.

The positive thing for today is....

I joined a BOOK CLUB! I have never done that and I am excited.

Thanks for reading!