Plan for Thurs

Well I slept.... YAY! like the dead. In fact I am still pretty sleepy, might take a nap today....lol heck I might go back to bed in a few minutes...

Seriously one of the things I need to work on is getting my body rested, because that makes everything a little easier to work on.

It is earlier yet, but I feel better than yesterday and that is a good thing.

The dr said this new medicine will make me feel a bit draggy for a few days then get better so I am going to give myself a break for a few days if I am in tired. One of my faults is that I am too hard on myself about many things.

I was tired last night when I did my good things list and forgot one..lol

Since the jaw issue I lost 5 pounds! lol now weight isn't a big issue... I COULD stand to lose 10 or so.. the 5 that I lost lifted my spirits a little. I don't really weigh, I go by my clothes, as long as my clothes fit I am happy. I am in the same clothes as 2 years ago, but at a time when you are looking for good things.... 5 pounds lost is a good thing.

I know that the blogs right now are not that interesting... I am trying to pick up the threads that start braiding again in a healthy way... hang in there.

So today....
LOL get the dishwasher finished...
Clean up the MESS from the said dishwasher install

Declutter the living room.... toss out old magazines, straighten up .... that sort of thing
vacuum
I am not going to list a lot of cleaning today because I need to feel accomplishment and not failure on this.
I want to note that my house is NOT a total disaster! LOL it is regular cleaning but my goal is to toss out stuff that needs to go instead of letting it pile up.

And of course work on the list of goals from the first blog.
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It is very surreal to know that you aren't RIGHT, that you aren't seeing things as you should, not responding as you should, and knowing WHY, but not being able to stop it. I don't know if that makes sense.

I know that I shouldn't be crying all the time, I know that isn't right, yet I can't stop it.

I know that I shouldn't be sad, yet I can't just get happy

I know that I shouldn't see the world so darkly, yet I do.

I know that these are not my normal behaviors and it is frustrating as hell to know that and know why and not have control of it.

I will admit something here that I don't to many ... I am not suicidal so don't think that. When this happens and my life just gets so effed up every couple of years or so I think to myself .... this sucks so bad, is it worth it. It is exhausting, it is dehumanizing, I feel so hopeless and helpless and it is like having to start over from scratch every few years because a medicine stops working. It gets old.

Having said that... I also know that that comes from the same place as knowing it isnt right.... but not being able to change it. The good thing about that is that I also know that hopefully in a few days when I feel like myself I will not feel that way any more. I know it is a matter of time.

I am usually a fairly happy and productive person... and I will be again soon.

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Oh yeah the leg cramps... when I had the jaw issue... I also had fluid in my ear... the dr gave me tanna.... a decongestant/antihistamine to dry up the fluid. That worked well, the fluid is gone, he told me to stay on it for allergy purposes ... 2 times a day. It is very drying and I think with the bypass dosing is a guessing game.

I am pretty sure that I was getting too much drying, and it was causing the dehydration that lead to the cramps. I cut it back to one... and drank gatorade and water yesterday and there were no leg cramps last night.... lol or maybe I slept through them!

So what are your plans for the day? lol I will read them after my naps....